


What am I trying to hide?

by SweetheartRules



Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 02:19:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4122352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetheartRules/pseuds/SweetheartRules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything.</p>
<p>It's difficult for someone so young to understand that what they're feeling will grow into love, especially for another boy.</p>
<p>Spoilers for the classic DMMD route, there should be no spoilers for any character routes (except for maybe Koujaku) or Re:Connect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What am I trying to hide?

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be me writing about his guilt but I don't know what happened. I pulled an all-nighter and ended up writing about Koujaku's feelings for Aoba developing as he grew up. This might not even be entirely canon, I haven't played his original route in ages. I just went over his Re:Connect routes and I am in love. I also haven't written in years. I am so sorry. I'll probably add the second part later, and go over this to juice it up.

The first time Koujaku saw Aoba, he was utterly captivated. 

Big, bright, blue eyes wordlessly expressed any and all emotion, and easily reflected what he saw back. Radiant fair skin emphasized how flawless he was, and emphasized a cute, tiny build. His voice was like a song, so sweet and clear that it spoke to all, if one was lucky enough to hear it. These features alone were enough to pull anyone in, but for Koujaku, it was more than that. Aoba had breath-taking blue hair, unlike anything Koujaku had ever seen before. He was mesmerized by every part of it, from its brilliant bright blue, to how it shined in the light, to how it flowed down past his shoulders. Aoba's hair wasn't anything Koujaku could easily forget, and unconsciously, he began keeping tabs on the boy. He wanted to become friends with Aoba, and waited for a good opening to introduce himself. 

As Koujaku watched for an opening, he was suprised to find that Aoba was being relentlessly harassed by bullies. Koujaku couldn't understand how anyone could find a flaw in someone like him. Without hesitation he ran to help. Aoba seemed relieved to have someone by his side, and they immediately became friends. It came as quite a shock when Koujaku discovered that Aoba was a boy, but that didn't change the nature of their relationship. Koujaku still stood by Aoba whenever Aoba needed him. The fact that he was a boy didn't change that he needed help, so it didn't matter that he was a boy to Koujaku. Boys need saving too sometimes. He didn't think of it as weird that Aoba had a feminine appearance, and didn't think it was weird that as time passed, he was more and more drawn to him. He didn't think anything was weird, until his feelings for Aoba became more complex than he could understand.

Koujaku was falling for Aoba at a remarkably young age. At the time, he didn't understand what it meant. He didn't understand that what he was feeling then would grow into infatuation, and found himself more and more confused the closer to Aoba he became. Aoba was a boy, so why did he feel like this? It's not normal for a boy to protect a boy. It's not normal for a boy to have any complex feelings for a boy. Boys are supposed to be with girls, so why couldn't he feel this way towards a girl? His confusion towards his own emotions led him to constantly fight every feeling he had towards Aoba. He was unsure of how to act around him, how to feel around him, and how to react to him being bullied. Despite all of his confusion, he never hesitated to help Aoba. Even if he felt it was wrong, he couldn't just let him suffer. He needed to keep Aoba safe, no matter how much it hurt him to be constantly conflicting. He was the support Aoba needed, and there was no way he was going to let anything stop him to keeping true to that.

As Koujaku grew to understand what was happening, the war inside of his head only grew worse. He just wanted to be normal. He didn't understand why things had to be like this. He wanted to always be there for Aoba, why was that such a bad thing? It shouldn't matter how he felt just because they were both boys, right? But fear kept him in a state of conflict that stretched on for what felt like eternity, and growing up with that burden greatly affected him. He hated that he felt this way, he just wanted all of his doubts to go away. He wished he didn't care that Aoba was a boy. 

When Koujaku learned that he was moving, he found himself torn. He was heartbroken that he had to leave Aoba, but he was also relieved. He hoped that moving meant he could forget about his feelings for Aoba, and live a normal life. He was exhausted from the burden of constantly being at war with himself.

Upon reflection, he felt disgust towards himself that he even considered relief.

When he said goodbye to Aoba, Koujaku could sense how upset Aoba was before Aoba even showed any distress. He wanted so badly to protect him, but it's difficult to protect someone from yourself. He wished with his entire being that he didn't have to do this to him, and for the first time in a very long few years, found peace inside his head. Peace in that he wholeheartedly was heartbroken over hurting Aoba. He struggled to think of how to help, and the only thing he could think to do was hug Aoba tightly. He hugged as hard as he dared, not wanting to physically hurt him, but unable to grasp that this was the last time that they would see each other.

He could hear Aoba softly crying, and feel his body shake as he tried to hold it in. This only hurt Koujaku more. "Don't give in," he murmured into Aoba's shoulder, fighting back his own tears. He used that phrase a lot to comfort Aoba, saying it as a way to support him. When he said it, it was his way of telling Aoba that he was there for him. He found that it calmed Aoba, and helped him see that he wasn't alone in facing whatever opposed him. This time, he meant it as a final goodbye, but that no matter what, he would always be with Aoba. He would still protect Aoba, and would always be there for him, because he cared deeply for him.

Once he moved away, Koujaku found that he was no longer conflicted over Aoba. He realized how little his fear meant, and began to understand that what he was feeling wasn't wrong. He learned that it's okay to have feelings for Aoba, even if he's a boy. Him being a boy didn't change who he was, he was still the boy with the long blue hair who had captivated him so strongly. Those years away were spent with him thinking only of Aoba, and how he needed to stay strong for him. Horrible things happened to Koujaku one after the other, but he stayed positive. He felt that if he didn't stay stong, there was no way he could support Aoba through whatever he was going through. Even though he couldn't physically be with Aoba, he believed that if he kept a stong spirit, his spirit would still be able to support Aoba. His own word that he had said countless times to Aoba, "don't give in," became a driving force for himself. In tough times, he would repeat it to himself, and when things got worse, he repeated it to himself so often that it became as routine as breathing. Those words helped fight against everything that happened, and he fought for his belief in Aoba. It was the thought of Aoba that brought him down after his worst meltdown, and convinced him to come back to Midorijima Island.

However, when Koujaku returned, he found that he hadn't been able to protect Aoba. He heard of the awful things that Aoba had gotten himself caught up in, and all of the things he had done... as he asked around, he found that Aoba had a great amount of admirers, and his reputation was great. He was amazed at how much Aoba had changed, but with every bit of news, he found his strength crumbling further. He had fought so hard to be strong for Aoba, but in the end, it wasn't enough. He wasn't able to protect Aoba from hurting others. He wasn't able to protect Aoba from hurting himself. The guilt he felt from that was a new form of pain that surpassed anything he had experienced before. He found himself not wanting to find Aoba; ashamed of himself for not being there for him. But that passed quickly with his overwhelming desire to see Aoba again. 

Looking at Aoba for the first time since his return, Koujaku's mind went mind-numbingly blank. He had remembered that Aoba left him utterly captivated, but he was unable to remember just how incredible he was. In that first moment, time seemed to stop around him. Without any regard if he was even still breathing, he slipped into such a powerful sense of awe that it seemed like the entire world had to stop and stare as well. This boy resembled perfection: his brilliant blue eyes still held that same shine from when they were kids, and his fair skin seemed to glow, radiantly showing off his short and slender build. But, as always, what captivated Koujaku the most was his hair. The color was much more of a vibrant blue than he could have ever imagined. It shone beautifully under light, as if trying to reflect the light itself, as it flowed effortlessly past his shoulders. It was comforted Koujaku just how little had changed: he was still mesmerizing from a passing glance, still incomparably breath-taking, and, somehow... still so helplessly cute.

Koujaku had been dreading only one part of this reunion: figuring out what to say. Time started catching up to him, and he found himself awkwardly staring as he tried. His heart seemed to beat out of his chest as his incredibly flustered mind struggled to string words together that could convey how he felt. Aoba took the initiative, and all it took were two words for Koujaku to fall hopelessly for him, all over again.

"Welcome back."

**Author's Note:**

> Please warn me of any typos and such, it's eight AM and I haven't slept in days. Thanks for reading! If you want the part I wrote about after he comes back, make sure to let me know. I'll be more inclined to post it if people actually like this.


End file.
